Kiss
Puke
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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