Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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