When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
