Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
