I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
