dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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