I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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