Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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