my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
try to milk me bitch
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