he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i drank out of a bidet.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
