I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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