nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize