Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
