I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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