A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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