He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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