i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
