I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
