hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
