Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
