Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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