I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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