my room smells like sperm. sweet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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