yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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