you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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