You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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