i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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