There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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