wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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