Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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