My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize