OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
