Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
