Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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