Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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