yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
try to milk me bitch
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
