I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
