i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize