Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
