Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize