Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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