The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
