i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize