First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
