tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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