in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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