There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
