did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
tell me about the fingering
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