I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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