I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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