Apparently you make a good broom.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
