I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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