i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude i'm inner monologue high
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
