I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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