she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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