My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
