Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
