you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
