Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
