Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
