my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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