Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
