i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize