Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
