Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
