dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
