Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
